


Hats, Caps, and Headpieces

by generally



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Cecil is a Dork, M/M, and a little short sorry, everyone's a dork, hats are declared illegal, i guess, it's weird okay, live show spoilers?, original episode, so is carlos, there's a new intern named intern matt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 16:13:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/generally/pseuds/generally
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which City Council declares hats illegal, a new bakery opens on the corner of East and Elm, and Carlos tries to be subtle with his hint-dropping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hats, Caps, and Headpieces

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! this is my first WTNV fic (well it's not really a fic, it's more like a script for an episode), so I hope you enjoy it! Any feedback is much appreciated!! xoxo

Stop what you’re doing and listen.

Do you hear it?

That sound?

It is there, but it is imperceptible to your weak, ignorant ears.

Welcome to Night Vale.

 

****

 

Good afternoon, listeners. Before we begin with the news, I have a special announcement. The City Council issued a new law earlier today that, effective immediately, declares the wearing of hats, caps, and headpieces of any kind illegal. The Council has not revealed the reason behind the ban, but they _did_ state in their televised press conference today that failure to abide to the law will result in severe consequences. The passage of this law, naturally, is being met with considerable disagreement, particularly from Night Vale’s rather large population of Hasidic Jews, who wear fur hats daily as part of their religious expression. But when the Head Rabbi of Night Vale’s synagogue challenged the City Council’s new law during the press conference, the City Council met the Head Rabbi’s statement by just simply urging him and the rest of the synagogue members to imagine that they’re wearing invisible fur hats instead. “It’s basically the same as the real thing,” they all repeated in resonant unison, staring directly into the camera lens, slowly getting quieter and quieter until you could see their lips moving, but no sound was coming out. Then, they got down on all fours and crawled single file back into the City Council office building through a first floor window. No follow-up questions were asked by reporters.

 -

In other news, a brand new bakery has opened on the corner of East and Elm. We sent Intern Matt over to the bakery yesterday morning to conduct an interview with the owner, but he hasn’t returned. Regardless, I’m sure the new establishment will be a booming success here in Night Vale. Everyone loves gluten-free cookies and flourless chocolate cake, am I right?

 -

Listeners, I have something to tell you! Carlos stopped by a couple hours earlier with some paint swatches, asking me which color I liked the best. I picked purple, of course. It’s my favorite color. Little-known fact: I own 37 ties, and 21 of them are purple. I don’t know, something about a good deep purple shade really gets me going…makes me think of sugar plums and fresh, plump grapes and the color a man’s face turns when his breath is no longer coming to him in deep, full inhales, nor short, struggling gasps, but impossibly thin, drawn-out wheezes and whistles. And then silence. Nothing. Emptiness where air once was. Anyway. But it gets even _more_ interesting. He then asked me, with the light reflecting off his perfect hair _just_ right, if I liked the home I live in now. Which I do, listeners. And I told him that, but I also told him that maybe, now that he mentioned it, it would be nice to get a change of scenery. He smiled, just the faintest upturn of the corners of his mouth, but listeners, that smile just illuminated the whole studio! Listeners, can you offer me some insight here? Why would Carlos be asking me about all this? Maybe he’s painting the inside of his apartment and wants my tasteful opinion about its prospective appearance. But it’s _his_ apartment, after all, not mine. And I'm _thrilled_ that he's being so sensitive about how I'm doing. It's what good boyfriends do, after all, and I'm so happy he's taking that initiative. But this is all just so unexplained. Hmm. More on this story as it develops… _if_ it develops. Which I really, sincerely hope it does.

 -

An update on the City Council’s ban on hats. Three of Night Vale’s Hasidic Jews have been arrested by continuing to wear their doctrine-enforced fur hats, which clearly goes against the City Council’s newly imposed law banning all hats, caps, and headpieces. All three have been tried for treason, and one of them was convicted. He was given the choice between death and a life of material prosperity, but personal poverty, a life lived only for the sake of oneself with no regard to others’ well-being, a life that grants one all the riches and possessions he could possibly dream of having, with the price of human love, comfort, and friendship. A difficult decision, listeners, but the convicted man has chosen death. Let this be a lesson to all of you, listeners: disobedience brings nothing but pain and suffering.

 -

And now, a word from our sponsor. Elmo Erkinson of Elmo’s Tailor Shop encourages you to buy belts. Belts are super in these days, so you might as well stock up on quality leather belts from Elmo’s Tailor Shop. In fact, investment values in belts are going up, up, up, so don’t miss out on an opportunity to make a LOT of extra moolah this fall. And they’re only somewhat likely to come to life by the power of some malevolent dark force and constrict themselves tight around your waist until your pelvic bones disintegrate and combust from the intense pressure! Belts. The _cool_ accessory.

 -

Night Vale’s fifth annual pie-eating contest will be held next Thursday at Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. Last year’s contest went a bit awry after all the pies vanished from sight mid-contest, only to reappear suddenly on Old Woman Josie’s front porch, ruining the wood finish with their sticky green fillings. But Teddy Williams, owner of Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, ensures us that this year’s contest will be a smash success! The winner of the contest, if he or she hasn’t already died from arsenic poisoning, will receive a year’s worth of free bowling at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex! So stop by Thursday at 2:34 AM to watch the fun, or maybe even participate. Contestants must show proof of health insurance in order to compete.

 -

Another…oh. Oh my. Listeners, Intern Matt has just returned from his interview with the owner of the newly-opened bakery on the corner of East and Elm. He is covered in blood and vomit; whether it is his own or someone else’s, I don’t know. He can only speak in shuddering whimpers, but he has just handed me a piece of paper coated in a thin film of pink frosting that is sticky to the touch. It reads, in scrawling, all-caps writing:

“ **I AM OMNIPOTENT AND OMNISCIENT. I AM YOUR GREATEST HOPE AND YOUR WORST FEAR, YOUR DARKEST HOUR AND YOUR PROUDEST ACHIEVEMENT. I AM THE MONSTER UNDER YOUR CHILD’S BED AND THE TEDDY BEAR IN THE BED AT YOUR CHILD’S SIDE. I AM WHAT YOU FEAR YOU YOURSELF MAY BECOME SOMEDAY. I AM LULU’S BAKERY, AND LULU’S BAKERY IS ME. ALSO, PURCHASE TWO CUPCAKES AND GET A THIRD ONE FREE NOW THROUGH OCTOBER 15 TH. OR ELSE.**” 

Listeners, Intern Matt has just collapsed onto the floor, unresponsive. Obviously, his meager $3.41 that has fallen from his limp, lifeless fist was not enough to fulfill the monetary cost of mercy from Lulu's Bakery. To the family of Intern Matt: he will be sorely missed.

So, listeners, make sure you stop by Lulu's Bakery today for a delicious, gluten-free cupcake..."or else." 

-

Another update on the hat ban predicament. Night Vale's Hasidic Jews have begun a full-fledged war against City Council. I've received word that all of City Hall is under siege. The building has already been bombarded with flaming arrows and 35-pound cannonballs. Mayor Pamela Winchell stepped outside the building to attempt to reason with the attackers, but they responded by shooting her with a pistol 16 times. Mayor Winchell was unharmed, obviously. Don't they know that we are all invincible to bullets? Well...not all of us, actually. Just Mayor Winchell. Invincibility is, after all, one of the many perks of being mayor of Night Vale.

-

 _Listenerrrrrs!_ Carlos just texted me! He sent me a picture of a lovely little white house, with a dark green front door and shutters, along with the message: "I was investigating the non-existent house in the Desert Creek housing development, and this is one of the newer ones in the development. Nice, don't you think?"

Listeners, it's more than nice. It's great. It's  _perfect!_ But why would he be asking me? I'm a radio man; not much of a realtor, after all. But I know a decent house when I see one, and this one is _spectacular!_

Hold on, hold on, listeners. He just...lemme just...I'll give you more updates on this as soon as I can. But first...

...[the weather.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L4Er9ZOKSc&safe=active)

 

 

****

 

 _Listeners!_ I have  _thrilling_ news!

I called Carlos immediately to find out just  _what_ he's been talking about lately with all this business about the house and the paint. And as soon as he picked up the phone, he didn't say "hello." Oh, no no no, listeners. He said, in that sultry, golden voice of his, "Cecil, I know this has all been so out of context, and I'm sorry for putting you on the spot, but the developers are offering up that house at a really good price, and it has two bedrooms and two bathrooms and a little office you can use to work on scripts for your show and I can convert the basement into a lab, and we can paint the interior whatever color you want, and I was kinda sorta maybe hopefully wondering whether you would want to move in with me." 

I'll tell you, listeners, I almost left the station then and there to go find Carlos and tell him that yes, yes, absolutely, I can think of nothing better in this whole wide mysterious unknowable universe than to move in with him. But I have a duty to fulfill to you faithful listeners, so...I just told him all that over the phone. 

Ladies, gentlemen, and those who are as yet undecided, let the record show that this is the happiest day of my entire life! 

-

I'm also pleased to announce, listeners, that City Council has lifted its ban on hats, caps, and headpieces in order to achieve a cease-fire from Night Vale's Hasidic Jews after CIty Hall was destroyed by a small atomic bomb dropped from a fighter plane flown by one of the Jewish protesters. Fortunately, no one was harmed, because the mayor used her yearly alloted black magic to restore the building back to normal and to revive the lives of those lost in the initial bombing. Those revived are a bit disconcerted and a little more paranoid and suspicious of everything than usual, but hey. You win some, you lose some.

I myself thought the law was a bit unconstitutional, but what does it matter what I think? After all, I'm only a quark-sized speck on a microscopic ball orbiting around a pea-sized sun hurtling through the vast and unknowable void.

But it's okay, because I'm a quark-sized speck that has a new home, and someone to share it with.

May you find love, listeners. May you find it wherever it is lurking in the shadows and claim it as your own. Because _everyone_ deserves to find love.

Goodnight, Night Vale.

Goodnight. 


End file.
